Bye, Bitch! My gluten free farewell to ‘Breaking Bad’

The definitive 'Breaking Bad' menu for the Gluten Intolerant

The definitive ‘Breaking Bad’ menu for the Gluten Intolerant

Warning: While there aren’t any specific spoilers in this post, some juicy tidbits are alluded to.

Like almost all my favourite shows, I got into ‘Breaking Bad’ late. How late, you ask? I started watching a month ago. Yes, just one month was all it took for it to rank up there on my list of favourite shows. My brother had been trying to get me to watch from season one, but he never said anything about the show that made it appealing. Did he say the show explored the epic, torturous downward spiral of a teacher-turned-drug kingpin? Not really.

Did he say it had the perfect blend of comedy and drama? Nope.

What did he focus on exactly? All the stuff that would make this squeamish gal not at all interested in tuning in, that’s what. How many times had I heard about ‘this person melting’ and ‘that person’s face exploding off,’ I’ll never know. And to his credit, he did insist ‘Breaking Bad’ was so much more than that, but I was too chicken to give it a shot. (Los Pollos, anyone?)

That was the case, anyway, till last month’s dinner guests saw we had Netflix and ‘wanted to see what this ‘Breaking Bad’ was all about.’ Our friends eagerly sat and watched the first couple of episodes with wide eyes as I sat there, oftentimes with my eyes shielded behind my hands, waiting for bodies to melt and faces to explode.

Fans of the show won’t be surprised to read I didn’t have to wait too long to see someone melt. Ah, that famous bathtub scene happened in episode two, I believe. And as much as that graphic portrayal of body decomposition turned my stomach, I got hooked onto the show. Indeed, there is so much more to it.

So in the weeks that followed, I marathon-watched the show like an addict.

I rooted for Walt, and I prayed for his demise.

I got a kick out of Jesse’s ‘Bitch!’, and I hoped he would come out alive and sane after all this was said and done.

I looked forward to Hank in every episode, and I downered hard when he…well, you know.

I despised Skyler like every other ‘Breaking Bad’ fan, and then I actually came to really like her. ‘She’s a badass,’ a coworker told me. Yeah, she kind of is.

And finally, I always liked Marie, and eventually looked forward to seeing how she would wear purple in the episode I was about to tune into.

There’s so much more I can say about this wonderfully, glorious show. I wouldn’t change one thing – except for that damn fly episode. Really now. What was that?

So after one emotionally draining month of TV watching, I decided to say goodbye to ‘Breaking Bad’ in great, gluten free culinary style.

Oven fried Los Pollos Hermanos chicken thighs

Don't forget to sit your gluten free oven-fried chicken on a paper towel to drain out the oil, Breaking Bad fans.

Don’t forget to sit your gluten free oven-fried chicken on a paper towel to drain out the oil, Breaking Bad fans.

For the health conscious gluten intolerant customer and the chef who’s afraid of oil splatter

What you’ll need

  • 6 boneless, skinless chicken thighs
  • 1 egg, beaten
  • Half cup of all-purpose gluten free flour
  • 1 cup Chex cereal
  • Salt, pepper, seasoning (whatever you like. I put garlic, paprika, and chili powder)
  • Half cup grape seed oil (you could use olive oil, but there are a lot of benefits to grape seed oil including a whole whack of vitamin E, 0 trans fats, and no cholesterol)

What you have to do

  • Preheat oven to 350 degrees
  • Pour Chex cereal into a bag along with your spice mixture and smash it to crumbs
  • Place all-purpose gluten free flour in a bowl, beaten egg in a second bowl, and your crushed Chex spice coating in a third bow
  • Pour oil in a glass dish you’ll be baking the chicken in
  • Proceed to coat the chicken thighs in the flour, egg, and Chex mixture (in that order) and place in the dish containing oil
  • Bake for 30 minutes, flip chicken, and bake again for another 30 minutes

It’s-all-downhill-from-here rooftop pizza

Forget slider burgers. What you want is a sliding pizza.

Forget slider burgers. What you want is a sliding pizza.

A personal size pizza for gluten intolerant Breaking Bad fans who are short on time

What you’ll need

What you have to do

  • Before you top your pizza it’s important you envision the pizza sitting on Walter White’s slanted rooftop for days. Got that image? Now proceed to top your pizza to give the impression that the toppings were sliding down the bottom. Alternatively, you could top it ‘normally’ and then hold the pizza down vertically while it’s still hot for the au natural look.

And finally, don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten dessert…

Pure Crystal Blue Vodka Jell-o

Pure crystal blue vodka Jell-O. Try it. You'll be addicted.

Pure crystal blue vodka Jell-O. Try it. You’ll be addicted.

For the kid inside of all of us gluten intolerant Breaking Bad fans

  • No fancy tricks here. Jell-o is naturally gluten free. Grab a pack of Berry Blue Jell-o, some water, your finest vodka, and go!

And there it is: My definitive menu for ‘Breaking Bad.’ If you’re thinking of ringing in the finale with these dishes, or perhaps you want to start watching the show from season 1, bon appetite — and don’t forget to don your favourite purple attire when you do so.

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Filed under Delicious dishes sans gluten, Just for fun

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